Friday, February 6, 2009

NOT SURE ABOUT THIS

After posting that I have been in a long distance relationship, I got to wondering what the hell I was doing. I mean, I am at the mercy of the computer for communication and if that goes down … oh dear. On top of all of this, he is so much younger than I am and that leads to me wondering if it is working. Maybe I should start closer to the beginning and ending.

I met Paul (real name withheld) online. I had no idea how old he was but I guessed younger than me. At first he told me he was 35 but alas (or yippy) he is younger still. 31 to be exact…I am over 50. We talked for 8 months. Every single day for hours either by messenger or Skype. Then I flew to Australia and we met. He introduced me to some of his family and we stayed with them when we were in Sydney. He showed around and I have to admit that I fell hard. The age thing bothered me but not him. I stayed there for a month and loved it. In September, he came to Canada for a month. By this time I was gone…or at least my heart was but still wondering what this gorgeous thing was doing in my life and whether I really was what he wanted. I don’t know why I questioned it but I did but as all things seem to work themselves out, I have not heard from him since the 18th of January. Leaving me to say that maybe he wasn’t as far gone about me as I was about him.

I know that both my girls will help me, and I know this because neither of them were exactly fond of him but kept their opinions mostly to themselves. But they will also help because I know they love me. That is why I have been depressed and not blogging much. I just don’t want to bring everyone down with me.

It must be over I say to myself but hope still lingers as I am trying to put my heart back in place. So with that I am trying to start again. Don’t worry about me…..and for the occasion I wrote a poem.

LIVING WITH TEARS IN MY EYES

He took my soul, my essence, my tomorrows

He left my heart

Aching and longing

Wondering what to do

Where to go

Filling with un-cried tears and love

That has no place to go.


My eyes are filled with tears and ready for release

I blink and prevent them from flowing

But one escapes and drips down my cheek

I catch it in my palm as it falls

And there in my hand I am looking at

A symbol of my sorrow

My heartache

My loss

My pain

My misery.


My eyes fill again

Never to be empty when I think of him

He is always on my mind

All that he meant to me.

All hopes for the future…gone

I will learn to live with tears in my eyes

And hope beyond hope

They will finally drown my heart.



8 comments:

Stesha said...

I'm going to kick his a@#!

Hugs and Mocha,
Stesha

Lana said...

Damn blogger ate my comment.

L♥ve you.
Love, your other favourite daughter. (We both know *I* am your favourite, but we won't tell "G" that...)

Kathy B! said...

That just sucks. Here come my great big virtual hug from North Carolina.....

Chin up, girl... and let us know if we can help :)

Yaya said...

Oh hon, I'm sorry. :(

Minxy Mimi said...

I am very sorry. Love can be so hard as well as beautiful.

in time out said...

This is beautiful. I am sorry for what you are going through, but this post and poem is amazing. Thanks for writing. I have a valentine for you on my site, just right click, copy and it is yours. Thanks for reading, and for supporting me in my ups and downs. ---stacie

Happy Valentines Bloggie Friend ♥

Carina the Blogarina said...

What a beautiful poem! Why is love so hard? I hope you find peace. It seems odd that after flying all around to world to see you that he would just vanish like that. Maybe the last word hasn't been said?

2nd Cup of Coffee said...

Dear Seeker, I am forlorn for you. I don't hate men; I really don't. But through trial and (mainly) errors, I have come to realize there is no shining knight on a white horse. I am married now, but there is often deep disappointment within that institution, as well. There is no human male who deserves the hope and expectations that we throw on him. But nothing gets to my old (46 year-old) heart like hearing about another broken heart, because I can empathize. I'm so sorry, and I'm rooting for you in all areas of your life, esp. the one about quitting smoking right now. Stay strong.